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Is It Better For The Woman To Come On First?

Say Doc Love,

OK, here is my problem. I'm a freshman in college, and I recently met this girl whom I immediately was crazy about. There was just something about her that was different from other girls I'd met and dated before. So we talked, got to know each other, the usual, and then started the whole dating type relationship.

My roommate was out of town for the weekend, so one of those nights after we'd done the dinner and a movie thing, she spent the night on the couch. We'd only been together for about a week at this point, so nothing real big happened, but it went really well in every other way. It was pretty clear we were both into each other a lot.

At one point during breakfast, she said she wanted to tell me something, and it turned out to be that back home (San Diego for her), she had dated this guy for about 2 years, then broke up with him the summer before she came to college. Then, right before she moved, they apparently got back together somewhat. She assured me that she told him that she wanted to see other people, and that I shouldn't worry, because she wanted to only see me now.

Then, the next day, her dad came to visit her, and so I didn't talk to her until that night. When I did, she seemed very distant, and depressed, which she attributed to being homesick after her dad left. So we hung out a little while, then, I made a crucial mistake. I figured that since it was pretty obvious we both liked each other a lot, I'd try to cheer her up by telling her my feelings. Big mistake.

I told her how I felt about her, how I hadn't really felt that way about anyone before, how she meant a lot to me, etc. She said that she didn't really know what she felt about it at the time, but just not to expect her to be at that point right away. So, I said I understood, and that I wasn't trying to push her. The rest of that night, she continued to be fairly distant. But then, the "distance" grew each day, and after a couple days, I went to talk to her, and told her that I had gotten overly emotional and that even though I meant all that I had said, I'd said it too soon. So I apologized for that. I told her I didn't want it to make things weird, which I could sense it had. So I asked if we could just kinda put that behind us and start over. She said, "I don't really know what to say to that, so I'm not going to say anything."

Ever since then, I've only talked to her once, and she acted very distant. I really like her, and feel totally different about her than I have about anyone. I don't want things to be completely ruined because of my one mistake. Is there some way I can communicate this to her, or is there anything at all I can do to patch this up?

Dershawn - who really needs to be helped out

Advice for Single Guys from Success Coach - Doc Love

WOMEN DON'T LIE - MEN DON'T LISTEN

Hi Dershawn,

Dershawn, my man, I feel for you. It's tough when you really connect with someone and then they suddenly emotionally withdraw. Most of us men have had similar experiences, but it's obvious that this gal was a lot more hung up on her ex than she revealed to you.

I don’t think she gave you the straight story about why and how they ‘sort of’ broke up. Still, it doesn’t matter what the story was. The Bottom Line Factor says that she was pretty much emotionally unavailable to begin with. Although, if her Interest Level in you had been above 50% and you had been a Challenge, you still might have been able to wean her off her old boyfriend and have owned her heart in time.

Challenge is so powerful it wipes out your competition - even ex-boyfriends who are barley hanging on - but only if the woman has at least 51% Interest Level going in. We don't really know where her Interest Level in you started, but we do know that now it's lower than the Titanic. So the bad news is that you made too many fundamental blunders and that you can't undo what's done, division of "You can't go back."

The good news is that this is a tremendous opportunity for you to learn from your mistakes. So with a spirit of optimism, let's take a look at how you blew it, knowing that if you follow The "System" from now on, you'll never have to experience this kind of pain again.

First of all, you were talking to her and seeing her too often, hence, she saw you as too available (a non-Challenge). She may be the only girl you've dated in five years, but you still want her to wonder how many other girls you're going out with. Remember, kitty kats kompeat.

You also mentioned that she became homesick after her Dad left. This was a big red flag. I know she was really missing her ex, not her Dad. That's when you should have disappeared rather than trying to console her by bleeding your guts out and telling her you were gaga over her. When she said, "I don't know what to say," she was saying in Womanese, "My Interest level in you is half as much as yours is in me." Yours was 80% and hers was 40%.

At this point Dershawn, if you do any more apologizing, you're just going to get more of the same from her, and you'll just feel worse. So as they say in the Hollywood casting agent's office, "Next!"

Guys, in a situation like this, cleanup is just not possible. And why not? Because women are like elephants, they never forget. Once a woman's Interest Level goes below 50%, she may stay, but her heart is gone forever. So remember, always allow the woman to come on heavy first.

To send me your love questions, listen to my call-in talk show, or to find out more about "The System," visit me at http://www.doclove.com or call (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"

More Advice for Single Guys from Success Coach - Doc Love

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