Hi Freddie,

What do mean, this sordid affair just "happened?" Did this little girl put a gun to your head and make you kiss her? The fact is that each of you should have been off-limits to the other. Lots of people would say you shouldn't mess around at all until you're both divorced. Until the two of you are legally free, nothing starts.

If there was nothing between you and your wife, maybe you should have started dating her again, did you think of that? Maybe you should have given her 110% of your time and effort, taken her out every Friday and Saturday night, and tried to fix what went wrong. Pretend a little. Fake it, until you two got it back on track. If your wife's Interest Level was hovering in the 51% range, you should have tried to fan the embers back to life. Until you did that, Freddie, you had no business getting divorced, and you shouldn't have been chasing other women. In the words of Brother Love, "Like half the guys in the world, the vows you took didn't mean a thing."

Of course things took off between you and Meg like a hurricane. To you Psych majors, forbidden fruit is always a temptation. As Rabbi Love puts it, "It's like when Eve coaxed Adam to take a bite of that juicy-looking apple -- and he did. Bad decision."

Now think about this for a minute. If Meg hasn't been happy at home in years, then why hasn't she left? But you two still promised each other you'd live happily ever after together. Hold on a second here. Before you go any further, you gotta tell me what kind of hooch you been drinking. Freddie, this is unbelievable. And you know what amazes me most? You're one of the sharpest guys on the police force, right? You can smell a liar 10 miles away, you can expose a fraud just by looking at him, and you can tell just from the way a guy walks that he's a dope dealer. But when it comes to the opposite sex, you don't have a clue. When Meg rubs up against you, you're as dumb as a wall and as helpless as a baby. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love says, "Man, this honey must have some set of wheels on her!"

I'm sure you were dreaming and planning for the future, dude. But you didn't realize that Meg had her own secret agenda that you didn't know squat about. Dedicating yourself to her completely was a blunder the size of Iraq. What you should have said to her was "Call me when you're ready!" -- i.e., when you get the divorce papers finalized. (Which is not to say that I approve of this whole mess, but I'm here to help guys in spite of their bad choices.)

If you have to do everything for Meg, why don't you just go out and get her a seeing-eye dog? Let me get this straight: you spend all your money buying the store for a woman who's not yours and who still sleeps with her husband? Is that what you're telling me here? Do you have rocks in your head, Freddie?

Do Meg's mother and children know that you're sneaking around with a married woman? What kind of family is this? It's pathetic; actually, that you bend over backwards doing whatever Meg wants - except the most important thing - telling her NO.

But after all this effort and strain, she still hasn't dumped her hubby and run straight into your arms. I'm shocked! I can't believe it! Hand me the valium!

Know what, Freddie? There's no need for Meg to leave her husband. Heck, why should she? She's going to bed with two turkeys! And you actually believe that as soon as her husband cheats -- which will be the nineteenth time he's done it - it will give her the impetus to leave. The other 18 weren't quite enough, is that it? Oh, that's rich. This girl's a great catch! You gotta love this Meg! And you do, Freddie, you most certainly do.

I'd be jealous too if Meg and her turkey were doing things together. Hey, they're only husband and wife! When she promises you that she wants to get married and have a life with you, does she do it with a straight face? Or is she pinching her leg really hard and making it bleed while she's cooking your whopper?

Sneaking, ducking and dodging might be new territory for you, but it's old hat for her. As General Love says, "Remember, she committed adultery with a whole platoon of other guys before she did it with you." If you were only second to her husband, I'd feel lucky if I were you!

Have you been taken for a ride? Well, Freddie, let me put it to you this way: you'd be a darned good choice for this year's Amtrak poster child. By all means, give her the extra time she needs. Tell her to take a hundred, a hundred and fifty years. Like I always tell you guys, you don't want to pressure the girl!

Wanna know what's going on here, guy? Meg's playing you for a monkey. And pal, you never held up your end of your deal because you cheated on your wife and didn't give her another chance.

Remember, guys: until they're divorced, they're off-limits.